When the Starcats Come

from by Kari Maaren

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about

This song was inspired partly by Sandra Kasturi's deliberately terrible poem, "Starcats!" (written for ChiZine's twisted tribute to National Poetry Month, Shitty Poetry Month), and partly by my memories of being bullied and ostracised all through my childhood. If only I had had some Starcats to come rescue me. Ah well. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that all my bullies likely now have prosperous families and careers, while I live in a box and must reapply for my job every four months! Er, wait...

lyrics

When the Starcats Come

Sylvia and Brittany
Just posted rumours about me
Online. Their friends are laughing even
Louder than before.
I guess they feel they have to tell
Me that I'm ugly and I smell,
And then I guess they have to go and
Laugh at me some more.

I've got no contacts on my phone.
I sit in math class all alone
And listen to the giggles and the
Whispers all around.
And I can always feel them stare,
And I don't think it's really fair
The way they mock me even if I
Never make a sound.

But I don't let my feelings show
Since I know something they don't know.
Things are going to change here, so I'm
Waiting patiently.
Right now, I may want to bawl.
I may not matter much at all,
But someday soon, the clouds will open,
And the world will see:

It will all come right
When the starcats come.
It will all be better
When they sweep down from the sky
And be my friends and make it clear
That I'm the reason that they're here.
That's right: run away in fear.
It will all come right
When the starcats come.

The starcats live in outer space,
But soon they'll have to leave the place
They're in and come to Earth, where they will
Spread despair and pain.
They have quiet, glowing paws
And lethal poison in their claws,
And when they purr, the frequency
Destroys the human brain.

I will be immune, of course.
I'll ride a starcat like a horse,
But not quite like a horse, since she will
Speak good English too.
The starcats will respect me, and
Be glad to bow to my command,
And everywhere we go, we'll show our
Prominence to you.

It will all come right
When the starcats come.
It will all be better
When they sweep down from the sky
And be my friends and make it clear
That I'm the reason that they're here.
That's right: run away in fear.
It will all come right
When the starcats come.

And Brittany will come to me
And beg me for a starcat of
Her very own so she can fly
Around and be almost as cool
As I am, but I'll smile at her
And order all the starcats to
Attack her with their fire breath,
And then I'll eat some ice cream.

The starcats will soon settle in,
And then the hard part will begin:
The part where we restructure every
Social hierarchy.
It will be merciless and fast,
And all the kids who were picked last
At sports will be prime ministers, though
Still subject to me.

And everywhere the starcats go,
They'll hunt my classmates, since, you know,
Starcats prefer to prey on people
Who are in my class.
And it will all be more ideal
With every hearty starcat meal,
And all the jocks and beauty queens
Will tremble as we pass.

Right now, I'm in the garbage can
Because they put me there and ran
Away after they superglued
My trousers to the rim.
But I'm not worried. I won't fight.
When starcats flash across the night,
They'll toss those jerks into the sea to
See if they can swim.

It will all come right
When the starcats come.
It will all be better
When they sweep down from the sky
And be my friends and make it clear
That I'm the reason that they're here.
That's right: run away in fear.
It will all come right
When the starcats come.

It will all come right
When the starcats come.
It will all be better
When they sweep down from the sky
And be my friends and make it clear
That I'm the reason that they're here.
That's right: run away in fear.
It will all come right when the starcats
There will be a blight when the starcats
It will all come right when the starcats come.

credits

from Everybody Hates Elves, released April 8, 2015
Written and performed by Kari Maaren, loosely based on a poem by Sandra Kasturi.

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Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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