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Voldemort, I Wanna Be Like You

from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off by Kari Maaren

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about

Harry Potter is great and all, but sometimes, you've just got to go with Voldemort.

The person who named this track (not I; I make different and even more diverting errors) called it "Voldermort," which happens to be a misspelling my students often use. I've also seen "Voldemart," which may be the name of a big-box store. There's probably some fanfic somewhere in which Harry Potter is a plucky young lawyer striving to take down an evil corporation called Voldemart.

lyrics

Voldemort, I Wanna Be Like You

I'm a fan of reading novels about Harry Potter,
But there's one thing I don't understand.
I've heard the arguments, but in my mind, they don't hold water.
I would say it's a little absurd how everyone is into this nerd.
While all my friends have told me Voldemort is out to harm us,
It's fair to say I've really thought this through.
I'd murder Harry Potter while he whined, "Expelliarmus!"
Voldemort, I wanna be like you.

It's said the books involve the struggle between good and evil,
And it is obvious who's in the right.
It seems to me that this approach is just a bit medieval;
That's a pretty big fuss you make over one guy's pet snake.
Am I to blame because I like the one who isn't boring?
So what if he commits some murders too?
You sheeplike people don't impress me with your Dumbledoring;
Voldemort, I wanna be like you.

Evil
Is really just a state of mind;
There's no use in trying so hard to obliterate it.
No one
Is gonna stop you once you find
You've got power over everything the more you hate it.

The climax is my favourite part of every Harry story,
But only up to just before he wins.
There'll be a moment that will work as a memento mori,
Showing us there's always a way for Voldemort to carry the day.
In my opinion, that should really be the novel's ending,
And that it isn't doesn't ring real true.
Come on, Rowling: back me up, and help 'em comprehending:
Voldemort, I wanna be like you.

[Bridge]

If you
Just think about it for a while,
You will realise the validity of what I'm saying.
Wake up;
It's really all about the style
That's inherent in that lying, killing, and betraying.

I accept that almost no one thinks I'm right about this,
But I'm sure that my approach is sound.
Go ahead and tell the world how very much you doubt this.
In the end, my logic is clear. I'll show you how it's happening here:
I have got a truly crazy and exciting thesis:
It should be extremely easy to see.
All I have to do is split my soul in seven pieces,
And someday, someone will wanna be like me.

Yes, all my friends have told me Voldemort is out to harm us,
But hey, too bad. I mean, what can you do?
I'd murder Harry Potter while he whined, "Expelliarmus!"
Voldemort, I wanna be like you.
Oh yeah!

credits

from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off, released April 30, 2013
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.

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Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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