They Are in Love

from Everybody Hates Elves by Kari Maaren

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What do I really hate about not just genre fiction but works of fiction of any type and in any medium? What really makes me want to punch writers and directors violently in their smug little faces? Why, that would be the impulse of everyone, everywhere, to shoehorn love plots into everything. Don't get me wrong: I appreciate a good love story. I would just like a break every once in a while. There are other types of plot, people.


They Are in Love

Thurghald and Magilor
Go questing in the badlands,
With Shahna as their brave companion,
Clad in threads of gold.
The three fight dragons and recover
Bushels of lost treasure
And lore recorded by the ancients
In the days of old.

They suffer and they overcome.
They weep, they fight, they conquer.
And Thurghald's mind is broken
When he finds he cannot bend.
But everything they go through
Is a footnote to the real point:
There is really only one plot thread
That matters in the end.

They are in love.
Boy wants girl, girl wants other boy.
The math is wrong,
And that makes everything seem right.
Push comes to shove,
And any story, any song
Should treat true love as more important
Than a planet-changing fight.
They are in love.

Captain Smithson and his crew
Explore a distant planet
They crash on when their cargo ship
Develops sentience
And tries to kill them all; this starts
A struggle for dominion
Between the humans and machines,
Which quickly grows intense.

The conflict spans a century
And several generations.
The younger fighters do not know
What they are fighting for.
A few escape the battle and
Hole up on someone's farmstead,
And then we get the bit that's more
Important than the war.

They are in love.
That is what gives the tale its punch.
If there were no
Love plot, why would we even care?
The moral of
The story always has to go
Somewhere with true love at the centre.
There is nothing can compare.
They are in love.

Bridget is a foundling who
Goes wandering through the forest;
She comes across a mansion lurking
Lost and overgrown.
She bravely breaks in to explore
And finds it full of monsters,
Awaking her ancestral need
To fight them on her own.

She'll stand upon the mountaintop,
Death pulsing through her fingers,
Her destiny a shining light
That will--that must--prevail.
But first she's got to make it through
That mansion full of monsters,
And most of them are kind of cute,
And all of them are male.

They are in love,
Which is the way it always goes.
The story's charms
Are not complete without a kiss.
If we must shove
Our heroine into the arms
Of monsters, that's the way it's going to
Be; she'd better find her bliss.
They are in love.

They are in love.
Let's take five pages to describe
The way they gaze
Into each other's soulful eyes.
We'll rise above
That pesky plot, and we'll amaze
You all with just how much in love they are.
You'll feel such glad surprise
You'll be in love.
There's so much love.
They are in love.


from Everybody Hates Elves, released April 8, 2015
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


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Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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