Take My Sheep

from Everybody Hates Elves by Kari Maaren

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This is a song about the most bloodthirsty, cutthroat, homicide-inducing, friendship-destroying, diabolical German boardgame in existence: Settlers of Catan.


Take My Sheep

It’s five o’clock a.m, and
The night is nearly done.
We’ve agreed that we shall play
Until someone has won.
As that’s the case, take pity;
This is torture without sleep.
Goddamn this game;
Please, someone take my sheep.

I thought that I was clever when
I went and settled on
The sheep-infested hexes of
The island of Catan,
But I don’t have a sheep port,
And I can’t sell these things cheap.
I’m begging you:
Please, someone take my sheep.

I have so many sheep cards in my hand,
So much sheep-dominated land,
And we keep rolling sixes, and
That’s sheep for me.
I’d give an arm and leg for bricks or wood,
And ore and wheat would both be good,
But you’ve decided that that should
Just never be.
I’m buried in a mound of sheep.
Why won’t you set me free?

I know that I could trade them,
Get one resource for four,
But it is kind of stupid to
Pay twelve sheep for three ore.
You all trade with each other,
But not me. I could weep.
I’m on my knees:
Please, someone take my sheep.

My strategy has been smashed into shards;
The robber’s stolen half my cards.
I can’t afford to hire guards.
It makes no sense.
You’ve all decided I am going to lose;
I have no options left to choose.
I see you tightening the screws.
You think I’m dense,
But I know what you’re doing; my
God, this is so intense.

It’s six o’clock a.m. now.
This game is really slow.
It’s all a vast conspiracy,
Though why, I do not know.
I cannot build a city;
The price is far too steep.
I am in tears;
Please, someone take my sheep.

This has become a nightmare.
It’s dragging on and on.
Perhaps it is revenge for how
I gloat through Carcasonne.
Will you forgive me if I
Just admit I’ve been a creep?
I need your help;
Please, someone take my sheep.

I guess this goes to show you
That what you sow you reap.
Goddamn this game;
Please, someone take my sheep.


from Everybody Hates Elves, released April 8, 2015
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


all rights reserved



Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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