from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off by Kari Maaren

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In this song, a comic-book superheroine details the beginning of her day.

It is possible that I have a problem with how women are often portrayed in comic books. This isn't to say that there aren't some great female comic-book characters. It's just that there are other ones who are basically walking, talking bazoombas (quite LITERALLY talking bazoombas in certain Frank Miller comics).



Wake up
Early in the morning,
After last night
Feel a bit raw.
Know it
Will take a lot of effort
To squeeze into my
Double-reinforced bra.

Do some
Stretching exercises,
Never mind how
Painful it feels.
You've got
To grin and bear the bad stuff
To save the universe
In nine-inch heels.

The bad guys wait for me;
How will they tie me up today?
I've mastered all the knots
They've used before, so that's okay.
Perhaps the hero down
The street will need to rescue me.
My suit accentuates
My cleavage very subtly.
Be prepared to show some skin
If you're a superheroine.

Eat some
Celery and rice cakes,
Not too much:
Wouldn't want to get fat.
Make sure
I've perfected all my poses;
It'd be bad
If I didn't do that.

Check that
I'm in very little clothing;
You need to see
The muscles I flex.
The ones in my butt cheeks.
Find more ways
To bring up sex.

I'm in this super-group;
Of course, I am the only chick.
The guys are into me,
And clearly, I can take my pick.
There's one guy who can fly
And one who is extremely strong.
I can do back-flips and
Have awesome hair that's really long,
It's essential to be thin
When you're a superheroine.

I have glitter on my outfit.
There's some jiggle in my hip.
My boots are extremely sexy.
My main weapon is a whip.
Little boys think I am pretty.
Little girls think—all right, may
I get back to you on that one?
My technique's based on ballet.

I'll seduce you while I fight you.
I can't help it; you won't mind.
I can turn my breasts so they face
The same way as my behind.
I've got rape in my backstory;
It is what has helped me grow
And makes you want to protect me.
It's all pretty deep, and so
That's the right place to begin
To be a superheroine.

Don my
Tiny little eye mask,
Check my phone:
No messages yet.
I know
The guys want to include me,
But sometimes,
They simply forget.

Oh well;
I'd just be a distraction.
They're much more
Effective without
Some girl
Who's always getting kidnapped.
They're in the right;
I've no doubt.

I know I'm second-best,
And that's the way it's got to be.
I'm sure there's some heroic
Deed out there that's right for me.
I'll go and save a child
And look astounding while I do,
And then I'll sleep with someone,
Doesn't really matter who.
There are many ways to win
When you're a superheroine.


from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off, released April 30, 2013
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


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Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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