On Valentine's Day

from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off by Kari Maaren

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The Devil likes Valentine's Day so much that he has written a song about it.

I may not be the world's hugest fan of Valentine's Day. However, one of my favourite poems, Geoffrey Chaucer's _Parlement of Foules_, is about it. This has nothing to do with the song. It's just a fun fact.


On Valentine's Day

Well, I'm the devil, and I've
Got to say: my life's not boring.
There's lots of evil out there,
Tons of bad stuff worth exploring.
My campaign is going rather well;
Half the human race is heading straight to Hell.

But there is one day that makes
All my previous gains seem meager,
That sends you flocking to my door,
In tears and blindly eager.
I hardly have to name the toll
Before some guy hands me his soul.
Everyone is lining up to pay
On Valentine's Day.

Though it's supposed to be a
Time for gifts and soppy kisses,
About which every happily
Married couple reminisces,
And you would expect that I would hate
The ever-present cuteness of this thing...just wait,

For I find Valentine's is
Quite a time for fruitless dreaming;
It starts in sappiness, but
Frequently, it ends in screaming.
You all seem perfectly content
To wallow in false sentiment.
Thank you, Hallmark; you've shown me the way
On Valentine's Day.

You want to get her a nice ring;
You long for him to treat you right;
You just want not to screw it up;
You're hoping for the perfect night;
You're anxious that she will find out;
You fear he may get scared and run;
I think that you've all lost your minds;
That doesn't mean this isn't fun.

I'm known for dooming the whole
World to torment ever after,
Yet this supposed day of
Love wracks me with helpless laughter.
It trumps any horror I could make.
I didn't see this coming when I was that snake.

Be jealous and be petty;
Lie, cheat, gripe, complain, and smother.
Keep up appearances
While you're deceiving one another.
It's the way you've got to be;
It mainly matters what they see.
Plus, of course, it matters what they say
On Valentine's Day.

I may get tired of it;
Hearts and roses make me queasy.
Besides, I must admit that
It is getting way too easy.
You're too eager to incur your debt.
Haven't you people heard of playing hard to get?

But for the moment I am
Happy with my acquisition.
You're queuing at the gates of
Hades to demand admission.
So if you don't mind, nor do I.
It's not quite time for you to die.
Until then, trust me: you'll do okay
On Valentine's Day.


from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off, released April 30, 2013
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


all rights reserved



Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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