I Can't Decide

from Everybody Hates Elves by Kari Maaren

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There are certain films and works of literature, many of them belonging to the Young Adult genre, that depend on a certain configuration of major characters. It is my well-considered opinion that this configuration is quite possibly the devil and needs to be put out of its misery before more impressionable thirteen-year-old readers get hurt. This song may or may not constitute vicious mockery of said configuration.


I Can't Decide

As the night wears on
And I toss and turn alone in bed,
Scenes racing through my head
Without resolution,
I dread the dawn.
Things will get urgent when
I have to see them both again.
I doubt there's a solution.

They said I had to choose.
I said I would. I lied.
Right now, both boys are mine;
I can't decide.

One is tall and dark,
And the other one is tall and fair,
Sun glinting in his hair,
And pretty good at singing.
One is great at snark
And always looks a little hurt
Plus excellent without a shirt.
My preference keeps swinging

From Boy A to Boy B.
I wish that I could hide.
This is too hard for me;
I can't decide.

And Boy A is immortal,
Or he says that he's immortal, anyway.
Boy B is a little dangerous,
But so is Boy A, and Boy A
Takes me flying through the universe.
I feel so free.
Both of them make me not need
A personality.

And I think of them
As I brush my teeth and go to school.
They're both so pretty and so cool,
And both of them have powers.
And by ten p.m.
I'm surprised to see the day is done.
It feels as if it's just begun.
I've dreamed of them for hours.

There's nothing in my life
That they cannot provide.
Which one will make me his wife?
I can't decide.

And I am nearly sixteen,
Or I say I'm nearly sixteen, anyway.
I am old enough to love,
So I love both Boy B and Boy A.
Maybe I'll just kill myself a bit,
Prove my love is pure.
Does it make a difference that
I'm feeling so unsure?

This is life or death.
I have got to make them want me more.
Otherwise, what am I for?
We're meant to be together.
I should take a breath
And choose a soul mate randomly
So that you can live through me.
Why are you asking whether

That's really the best way?
I feel it deep inside.
I'll wait just one more day;
I can't decide.


from Everybody Hates Elves, released April 8, 2015
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


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Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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