Everybody Hates Elves

from by Kari Maaren

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about

This song was inspired by Sandra Kasturi's stories about her own personal elf hatred. It tends to provoke a lot of giggling when performed in public, probably because of the kazoo. In real life, of course, I welcome our new elf overlords and hope they aren't too physically repulsed by us fleshy humans.

lyrics

Everybody Hates Elves

Come into the mystic valley,
All ye weary travellers;
Come and rest beside the pool
And lay aside your grief.
Astriel will play the harp
And sooth you with her singing
And beauty quite beyond
Belief.

We shall dine by moonlight
On delectable confections
While conversing softly
In our ancient tongue, and so
All will be quite courteous
And wonderful and magic,
And yes, in case you're wondering,
We know

Everybody hates elves.
Everybody can see
That we're better than you.
This is knowledge that we
Hold over your heads.
You are all you can be,
But you'll never be anything like us.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody's aware
That we elven-folk don't
Really know that you're there,
Or if you point it out,
Then we truly don't care.
Everybody hates elves.

We are lovely and accomplished
Symbols of perfection;
We are slender, willowy,
And absurdly tall.
Humans long to sleep with us
And spawn pretty half-elves
With no human features
At all.

Humans have such tiny lives;
We live almost forever.
I have spent a hundred years
Just gazing at the sky.
And since we are all wealthy,
We live our lives in comfort.
It must be awfully dreary
To die.

Everybody hates elves.
Everybody can see
That we're better than you.
This is knowledge that we
Hold over your heads.
You are all you can be,
But you'll never be anything like us.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody's aware
That we elven-folk don't
Really know that you're there,
Or if you point it out,
Then we truly don't care.
Everybody hates elves.

[Long, silly kazoo solo]

You are nourished and quite rested,
And the beauty of our land
Has allayed your grief, which vanished
'Neath ethereal song.
Now that you are clean and happy,
Lapped about with comforts,
It's time for you to move
Along.

We shall give you gifts, of course,
And prophecies, and blessings;
We'll shed diamond tears as we all
See you on your way.
But you can't just stay here; this
Is not a place for humans.
We shall wait politely as you say:

Everybody hates elves.
Everybody can see
That we're better than you.
This is knowledge that we
Hold over your heads.
You are all you can be,
But you'll never be anything like us.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody's aware
That we elven-folk don't
Really know that you're there,
Or if you point it out,
Then we truly don't care.
Everybody hates elves.

Everybody hates elves.
Everybody can see
That we're better than you.
This is knowledge that we
Hold over your heads.
You are all you can be,
But you'll never be anything like us.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody's aware
That we elven-folk don't
Really know that you're there,
Or if you point it out,
Then we truly don't care.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody hates elves.

credits

from Everybody Hates Elves, released April 8, 2015
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.

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about

Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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