Dear George R. R. Martin

from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off by Kari Maaren

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This musical open letter to GRRM contains one extremely mild spoiler for one of the elements of _A Song of Ice and Fire_, GRRM's five-book (so far) opus that many know better these days, thanks to the HBO show, as _Game of Thrones_. (The spoiler is basically a brief mention of a character who HASN'T died. No actual plot points are brought up; the song is mostly quite general.)

Is the song similar in subject to Paul and Storm's "Write Like the Wind"? Yes, it is. Did I know about "Write Like the Wind" when I dreamed it up? No, I did not. Did I finish memorising "Dear George R. R. Martin" the DAY BEFORE Paul and Storm released their "Write Like the Wind" music video? Yes. Yes, I did. Was there shouting and a violent punching of pillows? You might say so. Luckily, "Write Like the Wind" is awesome, so there you go.


Dear George R. R. Martin

Dear George R. R. Martin: I know that you're busy,
But I am requesting you finish your books.
Your plot lines are great, but they're making me dizzy;
The world you've created's more dense than it looks.
I really like settling down with your creation
And reading non-stop till eleven p.m.
But your characters foster a certain stagnation,
Most likely 'cause there are too many of them.

Dear George R. R. Martin: the problem is growing.
I'm simply not sure how long I can press on.
Oh, don't get me wrong; I do like where you're going,
But at this point, I can't recall where you've gone.
With each book that comes out, I reread the series,
And that takes forever and ends in a blur.
And then there's foreshadowing, hints, and fan theories.
Just kill Sansa Stark; no one cares about her.

Dear George R. R. Martin: I'm fond of King's Landing
And Riverrun, Dragonstone, and Winterfell.
Beyond that, your tale passes my understanding.
The whole situation's confusing as hell.
The scope of your project is simply breathtaking,
And I must admire all that you have done.
But after five books, my attention span's breaking.
Let's face it; it was kind of shot after one.

Dear George R. R. Martin: I have a suggestion:
When writing Book 6, think of ways you can try
To ease your astonishing plot-strand congestion
By sending as much stuff as you can awry.
Douse your Seven Kingdoms in fiery terror
From deep in the south to the crest of the Wall.
King, warrior, priest, princess, lowly torch-bearer:
The story will end when you've murdered them all.


from Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off, released April 30, 2013
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


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Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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