Damn Those Dwarves

from Everybody Hates Elves by Kari Maaren

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One of the reasons I'm so fond of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit is that I'm just really impressed by the uselessness of the dwarves. I mean, they can't do anything. They want to get their treasure back, and they figure a good way to do that is to hire a tiny little man to steal it for them. On the journey to the dragon, they get themselves into trouble constantly, and once their wizard friend leaves them to their own devices, they rely on that same tiny little man to get them out of it. They're always complaining, but they never actually do anything. It's fantastic. I really wish the film version had preserved the steady, consistent uselessness of the dwarves.


Damn Those Dwarves

I’ve tried to be understanding,
To hold the group together on my own,
But this job’s too demanding.
We’re fourteen, but I feel all alone.
I didn’t sign up to
Nursemaid a bunch of helpless guys.
Well, sure, I’m kind of new
At this, but ‘twas a bad surprise
To learn that my employers
Aimed to be their own destroyers.
They didn’t even bring their winter scarves:
Damn those dwarves.

I was green in the beginning;
I cringe when I think about those trolls.
But lately, I’ve been winning
Lots, plus I’m achieving all my goals,
I’m much less often bait.
The dwarves have learned I have some use,
Which would, I guess, be great
If unaccompanied by abuse.
I am the main provider
And can stab a giant spider,
But take the blame when everybody starves.
Damn those dwarves.

And all I hear is, “Bilbo,
Why don’t you steal something? Why are you
So lazy? It’s your job
To rob the dragon; go and follow through.”
And meanwhile, you are thirteen
Dwarves armed to the teeth and full of pride.
You’ve come back to your mountain
But are terrified to go inside.
You depend on me for everything
Just because I’ve got a magic ring.

There they go again, complaining
That I’m way too weak and way too small.
I am barely refraining
From just ditching these guys, one and all.
I don’t know who they think
Has managed to get them this far.
I really need a drink,
But this cave doesn’t have a bar.
I wonder if they ever wonder
Who ‘twas rectified their blunder
As they all lay moaning on the wharves:
Damn those dwarves.

I’m pretty good at riddles,
But one riddle I can’t solve is how
I’ll get through this adventure
With this dead weight choking me. And now
We’re at an impasse here
And everyone has looked once more to me,
And I just want a beer,
And if you’re rational, you will agree:
This is more a nightmare than a dream.
Dwarves are not as useful as they seem.

Gandalf got me into this, but
He’s gone AWOL for some reason, so
I’m in charge now. Oh, bliss. But
I envy his power just to go.
I’ve got the Arkenstone,
Which makes me feel obscurely bad,
And how we`ll get away`s unknown,
And I think Thorin’s going mad,
And everyone’s against us,
With extremely solid reason,
And we may be here forever,
And I’ve just committed treason,
And I’m stuck inside a mountain
With no food or hope or plan, just creeping
Blindly ‘round the halls the dragon carves:
Damn those dwarves.


from Everybody Hates Elves, released April 8, 2015
Written and performed by Kari Maaren.


all rights reserved



Kari Maaren Toronto, Ontario

Kari Maaren is a Toronto musician who plays geeky ukulele songs about monsters and superheroes. She isn't sure why, but it amuses her, so that's all right.

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